I was young. I was scared. But as I looked at that precious little person in my arms, I knew there was a God, and I knew HE was good.

My walk with the Lord and being a mom are inseparable to me.

And now that baby boy is a man who survived his teenage years; is the sum total of almost every parenting mistake I have ever made; has been the reason for the most change and growth in my walk with Jesus; has served his country and gone to war. Today I find myself in the early morning hours of another morning in May looking at (a picture of) my beautiful baby boy and having the very same feeling I had nearly twenty two years ago… I know there is a God, and I know He is good.

Motherhood makes me crazy. Motherhood makes me laugh. Motherhood makes me cry. Of all the things in my life that I want to succeed at, it is the most consuming. Fortunately, my kids protect me from taking things too seriously.

They make my heart swell.

Recently I took part in a small panel of moms helping others decide which educational choices would be best for their kids. A huge part of who I am is how different from one another each of my kids is. After sharing a few stories another mom said, “My kids are very different, but I don’t think they are as different as hers!” (Referring to me.) I often say I have three special needs kids, I just have one with a diagnosis.

Parents who have been blessed to find joy in parenting special needs kids understand deeply that the little things are gifts.

My life is messy, literally and figuratively.

However, it is in the messiness that God has carved my heart to understand that peace and perfection only occupy the same space in Christ.

I want to have my life orderly enough so that I can focus on what matters, but not to desire such order that laughter gets lost. THIS is the daily struggle of motherhood. THAT is where I reach out to HIM to define me, to grow me, and to mold me…the celebration of this day.

Motherhood. Laugh. Cry. Grow. Believe.

Let me be the first. It is my turn to post a blog, but friends, I am sorry I can’t get to it. My life is unusually packed with ministry fund raisers, school events for my kids and the general business of a partial home-schooling, daughter-in-law to two senior citizens with severe dementia who teaches Bible Study every week and hates to do laundry woman.

Things have piled up.

Forgive me? I will be back soon with amazing stories from our Battle of the Bands and visions for the future. For now, however, I am going to bed early.

Though it may be unwise to talk about it openly, I think I may have bad juju when it comes to flying the friendly skies. I don’t base this on your average pay-a-lot-of-money-to-be-treated-like-crap airline experiences. Everyone who travels by air these days deals with that on some level…unless you treat yourself to an upgrade or two and then they can really roll out the red carpet. But, boy, do you pay through the nose for it.

No, I’m talking about weird juju…like the time, due to bad weather in Dallas, that after three aborted landing attempts, we were rerouted to Lubbick. This turned out to be a problem because we were on a brand new and very large plane and the Lubbick airport didn’t have the right kind of jet way to attach to this new fangled MD-something or other. They didn’t even have one of those handy rolling staircases tall enough to reach us. So there we sat for a long time, watching the ground crew scratch their heads. We had been on that plane so long, flying through thunderstorms with people barfing left and right, that some of us offered to jump off the plane right then and there.

Or, the time my puddle-jumper flight blew a flap on one wing and had to make an emergency landing complete with fire trucks and ambulances waiting for us at the end of the runway. On that same trip, two flights later, we waited in the gate while the crew looked for a mysterious hydraulic leak “somewhere on board.” They never really said they found it…but alas, I lived to tell about it.

Or, the time the lady in the seat in front of me announced that “someone” had peed in her seat. I’m sure “someone” had because we could all smell it for the duration of the eight hours we were in the air…gag…

Or, the time my husband and son got upgraded to first class on a transatlantic flight for free due to a trainee screw-up while my daughter and I, on a different airline and after two cancelled flights and reroutes, and something like twelve plus hours of traveling, found ourselves in what seemed like a scene right out of a Seinfeld episode. Tucked in amongst a most unhappy Indian family with three unruly kids kicking seats, a frazzled dad yelling at them in an angry-sounding Hindi, crabby flight attendants telling them all not-so-politely to shut up, and absolutely nothing left to eat on the high-priced food cart, I heard myself whispering: Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi; you’re my only hope! 

Or, just the other day, when our flight left an hour late forcing us to run fifty gates to barely make our connection, only to sit on the plane at the gate for an hour and a half waiting for our pilot to show up. Soon we were told that Operations had changed an important security code and our MIA pilot hadn’t gotten the new numbers; he had thus inadvertently locked himself the crew lounge bathroom. Eventually, Operations reached the end of their rescue abilities and had to call the Fire Department to break down the door. Apparently no one knew the new code?? Add the screaming baby and the barking dog (not kidding, two rows behind me on a lady’s lap), and let’s just say it was a long wait.

This list is not even a full recounting of my air adventures. Oh, yes, there is more, but I will spare you. Of course, I realize that there are much worse things that could happen while traveling by air and I do appreciate that so far each time I have flown, by the grace of God, I have found my way home safe and sound…eventually.

It is exhausting. If I am not in the right frame of mind it is terribly discouraging. It is endless, because (unfortunately) my character flaws have no end.

Other times, it gives me hope!

“For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of truth.” 2 Timothy 3:6-7

Stick with me. For those of you who know me, you know that I am driven by the truth. I am the one in a crowd who is willing to say what other people are thinking. Not because I love drama, but simply because it is sometimes painful for me to pretend. Other times I am truly curious, and questions can offer a deeper level of connection. So…the direct part.

If that Scripture is true, which it is is, there are women in households weighed down with sin. They are led on by thoughts, ideas, desires (impulses) that keep them from God. A relationship with HIM is a relationship with TRUTH. The knowledge of the only truth that matters is the knowledge of God and HIS word. Shouldn’t we treat anything that interferes with that truth as if it were our enemy?

In my brain, sometimes the most Godly thing we can do is battle for the truth, even if it appears to be less polite than other choices. Let me share with you a truth that I have been battling with…

I am immature. I need to grow up.

I have had this ridiculous perspective that if a skill does not come easily or simply, I must not be good enough. It was as if I looked at a Beth Moore Bible Study and assumed she sat down at her computer one weekend and produced it flawlessly. Everyone in her world loved it. Someone added beautiful graphics and printed them out. She cleaned up her desk area, put everything away on a book shelf, and started planning the rest of her week.

Or that Ann Voskamp woke up one day and decided to be an amazing blogger. By the end of her first week blogging, someone gave her the idea of writing down 1000 gifts the Lord had given her. That weekend she simply jotted down her list, and the next week it was a book.

“It just is so easy for everyone else,” is the lie Satan has convinced me of for years.

Beth Moore taught Sunday school at her church nearly every week for 23 years. 23 years of practicing and studying. She worked on the James study for a year and a half before it was published.

Ann Voskamp blogged for half a decade with very few readers. Her early blogs are nowhere near as captivating to me as her recent blogs are.

In other words, both women have grown in their skills. They have practiced. They were faithful long before they were as excellent as they are today. Lysa Terkheurst reminded me at a conference I went to last summer that I can’t just compare myself to the good, or wish only for the blessings someone else may have. Life is a package. You have to take the good with the bad. Let me give you some personal examples:

• You have an amazing message. Your voice needs to be heard.
• You are just so caustic. Do you know what you just said?
• I could listen to you for hours.
• Not everyone is interested in the things you are interested in.

Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. Sometimes I am obedient. Sometimes…not so much. But, as I mature, or–perhaps–the only way to mature is to experience both success and failure with more grace.

God has recently hammered into my head and my heart a very simple thing. The only way ANY  THING can improve is for that thing to change. Often it is easiest (and most effective) to change what we don’t like.

If a recipe has too much garlic, what is the easiest, most straight-forward way to fix the recipe? Add less garlic.

Sure, you could add more tomatoes and onions, or perhaps a few more spices. If it hurts your feelings that your recipe has too much garlic, you may look for 100 ways to fix the problem. You may decide that everyone else in the world is a better cook, and you should just eat McDonald’s for the rest of your life.

Or you could add less garlic.

I am reminding myself that when God shows me a flaw in my character He is doing it because He loves me.

“He who listens to me shall live securely And will be at ease from the dread of evil.” Proverbs 1:22

AMEN

I started the trip not feeling well and thinking that I could be sitting on the beach at Balboa with my girlfriend reading a good novel. I left a day early, tears in my eyes, wishing I could bring my team home with me. I’m exhausted, but hooked! I loved the work we did, the people we met and I can’t wait for next years efforts.

God does that so often in my life and yet I still stand amazed. He can take my skeptical attitude, transform it, and use it for His glory.

So I have to give some big thanks today because I can’t overstate how amazing our youth staff is. I was blessed to work alongside some wonderful, capable people who are helping to bring up the next generation of young people. Adam and Mike, our Youth Pastors, impart great truths in a language that the kids understand. With clarity and a dose or two of humor, they infuse God’s Word to a generation hungry to hear it. As I watched Senior High students lead their peers in devotions, I felt as if I was getting a glimpse into the leaders of the next generation. Our church is transforming lives and pouring God’s truth’s into our youth. I feel blessed to call ABC my home.

The old saying “behind every good man is a good woman” holds true with Adam and Mike for Brenda and Mary accomplish so much behind the scenes. Brenda knows how to feed the multitudes and Mary is a tireless worker always willing to help where needed. That brings me to Nicole. To organize and get us to our job sites is a monumental task, but to throw rain in the mix and have to reorganize and re-assign on short notice is amazing. With a smile, Nicole accomplished that.

There were countless others helping us help others. Andrew drove around providing missing supplies, Community groups helped with the cooking and provided snacks. Worship teams drove up to lead us in song. It was a great trip.

I was truly sad to have to leave a day early and miss Thursday nights spotlight. I asked my team what their highlights were and I got responses like “we worked at a house where the people started out grumpy, but by the time we left- they were smiling”, “New friends”, “Good food”, “Got to help a widow with all her work and bring her some happiness”, “Great leaders” (I added that!)

But seriously, it was an amazing trip and if you have an opportunity- talk to our kids and ask them about their experiences. I am still humbled by the fact that our youth would give up part of their Easter vacation to go serve others. In a world where we see so much evil I see the remnant that is remaining, blessing others.

Once again, to ALL that helped on Project 805- thank you. God is smiling.